Parents

 

When you become a teacher you become immersed in the world of your students as well as their parents.  The former have been studied, pedagogy decided and you’ve been trained how to talk with them, how to keep them safe and healthy, how to educate them. 

The latter.  Hmm.  Well, you’re pretty much learning about parents on the hoof, so to speak.  Your initial training will not have covered the multiple ways that they can affect the lives of their children or even the life of a school. 

Unfortunately colleges and universities don’t wheel in parents to remonstrate with you, ignore you or even threaten you.  Nor do they rope in some parents to shower you with praise and presents and declare how their child loves you. 

Should these teacher training places do that?  Maybe.  When you do your placements you get to meet parents for the first time but there is a sense that you are just training for the job and, in my experiences at least, the student teacher gets a free pass. 

I’ve taken on students so they can learn from my expertise  - no laughing at the back there – but even when they were explaining the progress of a kid, I noticed the parents always looked to me because I was the proper teacher and I was the one who had been with their kid from the start of the year.

So, how do you gain this expertise?  Well, through trial and error basically.  You learn quickly that you should not try to be friends with parents, nor judge without knowing their personal circumstances.  And you learn to be positive because, well, it’s better than being negative.

No parent wants to hear bad things because, in the main, they already know.  Be practical.  Be specific.  Tell them what it is that their kid needs to do and, this is the crucial bit, how they can  do it.  Being able to tell a parent what the next steps are is the bit that will get you on their side.

And realising that not all parents are going to be receptive, well that was a shock at first.  I had naively assumed all parents wanted their kids to do really well but it isn’t always the case.  Some parents hate the whole institution of school.  Some don’t see the point in school.  Others are suspicious of school.

It is a wider spectrum than you sometimes think.  And that also goes for their expectations.  For every parent who has said I don’t give enough homework, I have had another saying I shouldn’t be giving any. 

What struck me most, and continues to do so, is the idea that there are some very unsuitable parents out there.  Yes, I know, you’re not supposed to say that but it is true.  You can use some euphemisms or use semantics to describe them but it comes down to some parents being unsuitable.   Is that harsh?  Yes, quite possibly but there’s little point denying it.

Some are drug addicts or alcoholics.  Some are completely disinterested in their offspring, as odd as that sounds.  Some are trapped in a loveless marriage that is just a breeding ground for resentment and tension.  Some have had kids just because it was expected of them.  Some are beyond pushy and controlling.

But what can you do?  You are in a job where you are meeting the entire range of humanity and their ideas.  You chose to do that job therefore you have to gain the confidence to deal with them all.

Now, I know what you want to hear.  Who are the worst parents?  That’s actually fairly simple – politicians.  Very often they would have  had children because they can be paraded around to show that they are family orientated but there’s little interest in them apart from photoshoots and conferences.  Add the natural conceit of politicians and you have a potent mix of unsuitability.  Of course, I am generalising.  Well, kind of.  I have taught an exception and she was wonderful. 

And what about the good ones?  Well, there are so many.  I have met some absolutely incredible parents who, I have to say, I have been somewhat in awe of.  Parents who are in the diplomatic services are always nice, I mean it’s their job, right?  Similarly those who work for charities.  For some reason, and I cannot explain why, I have always found mechanics and engineers and mechanical engineers to be brilliant parents.  Scientists too.  Naturally, most teachers are good parents although I have met exceptions to that. 

But, really, the good ones come from all walks of life.  And, yes, I am amazed that they can be so good without going through years of training at a university.

Are parents getting worse or better?  In thirty years, neither.  Times have changed, attitudes have changed but parenting is still bloody hard and is still exhausting and we, as teachers, need to keep reminding ourselves of that.

My biggest take from three decades is that the amount of money you have makes absolutely no difference to being a good parent.  Many think that it does but I have seen some appalling parenting from incredibly wealthy parents and some unbelievably great parenting from those who have little or nothing. 

And the latter ones, I salute them.